Open Letter to my Mother-in-law

Dear ____,

I haven't spent much more than a few hours in time talking with you since I have met you. Before meeting for the first time I remember being nervous. It was at the time not what your son said of you but how you spoke of you. I could tell you were a woman who he would uphold a standard to all women he would meet.  You truly raised the best man I have ever known. Sure he isn't perfect but what was instilled with him since childhood is real character. He made choices for himself and is truly a man of God. He is humble and loving. I hope in seeing how dearly I love him shows you just why I had a hard time letting go of what relationship we did have and ideals for what we could have. I realize my idealistic views of what a mother in law and a daughter in law could have are not easy. Life and our own choices get in the way.

For the longest time I thought it was me. I needed to try harder. I needed to live up to who you would want your son to share his life with. I thought if I just tried harder and loved deeper you would come around. You would leave the hurt filled ones in your life and make time for us. No that did not happen. I got angry. I felt hurt. All the while your life remained the same.

Through God's grace I am forgiven. I am forgiven and only because of Jesus.

Have you ever seen someone you deeply care for falling tragically,  even though their decisions do not directly effect you, they create a wound in own heart? This is how I feel.  I can say from watching Kevin hurt that I perhaps he feels the same. Possibly though now he is numb to the feelings that once captivated his mind. I think its harder woman to woman to let you go. I see so much potential in you.

Now is the current season of my life to focus on. Perhaps for me and others out there this is the hardest part of moving on in life. We have to focus on the life we currently have. The hurt of losing someone has to come along day to day during my life now. Its not easy to know life goes on for the other side. Life goes on in a care free way for you with the family you are close to. What drives me to move forward is God. There is a part of me that wants to stay and wallow in sadness but God has more for me. He's made it clear that I cannot move forward with the kingdom work if I am pulled down by this void. I am working day to day letting God fill the void, that he is more than faithful to do.
I look forward to the future. I promise myself to be all I can as a matriarch for my family. I don't promise to be perfect but I promise my family to not give up. I never had a relationship with either of my grandmothers growing up. One left this earth too early to meet her and the other was just a name on an adoption paper. I move forward letting go of the grandmother my children could have in order to become the grandmother and woman my children need. I can do this only because of God. His forgiveness calls my heart to forgive.

Love Always Amber 

Death

First I would like to say this is not going to be light hearted and full of dreamy talk post about this heavy weighted topic. This will be real talk about how I feel about the loss of someone and death all together. Recently a friend, more less classmate, was killed in a car accident. He was killed by someone driving intoxicated who walked away from the accident while the person I knew from high school lost his life. I'm not talking about about what is fair and karma. Those words don't mean much to me as they do most people I know. I am facing thoughts head on about eternity.

 I know for a fact Jesus died for everyone. The hardest part about death is it reminds me not everyone will spend eternity with Jesus. I am not eluding to the school mate who lost his life. I am simply saying that every time someone I know personally dies I think about how final our choices are in death. For those who are saved by Jesus then death truly has no sting. Death always reminds me of my own life and what choices I am making. I always think if I died would God be pleased with my entire life? I think its the fact that in death we can no longer say "tomorrow God, tomorrow I will live for you. Just give me more time" There is no more time. As a new Christian I remember feeling great anxiety about death. I couldn't hardly think about it at all. I was so worried I wasn't good enough, faulty thinking and just pure dark thoughts not of God.

 Anyhow this brings me to my current thoughts. It is hard to put in to the correct words for how I want to say this but I'll go ahead and say it for now, death reminds us of the urgency of sharing Jesus. Sharing Jesus is always a positive thing, even if I just committed a sin, it's still good to bring up the savior. The crazy thing is no one is good enough to get to spend eternity with God. Yet, by Grace we are saved. As Ephesians 2:8 says " For it is by grace you are saved, through faith, and this is NOT from yourselves, it is a gift of God." I feel so many of us who are saved feel we need to do enough good works and then heaven. The thing is we are all sinners. This means every single person whether you have a personal relationship with the one True God, God of David, God of Israel, and those who are lost in the world CONTINUE to sin. The difference is those who know God have the on going interceding grace of Jesus. This may sound confusing for some. All I want to get across is that yes being saved by Jesus' blood is payment for all ones sins and yet it doesn't make us perfect. We still fall and have to rely on Jesus for the rest of our lives. In summary I think I'm trying to say death brings up the age old topic of who is a good person? In death we like to identify who was good and who wasn't. I think there are people who do society more good than others but deep down we are all rotten.

Now I must sound like a pessimist but I assure you reader it is quite the opposite. I believe we are all rotten BUT we all have the chance to know the one person who will LOVE us anyway and accept us the way we are. The gift of eternal life is free. Won't you take it today, if you haven't already? If you have already taken the gift then spread, spread it to others who feel they don't have a chance because they too are not "good". I think its' a powerful message to say "No you are not good enough to make it to heave, but neither am I. I just know Jesus. He is enough. He is the way"

Questions, leave a comment or email me amberjune1453@gmail.com

Sadness Turned Success

It is so much more than just putting down my phone. I think with any habit you must really prepare or be prepared for what will happen when you change.  
Saturday of all days I decided to stay off social media as long as possible only to post and scroll for a few minutes every few hours. This may seem so easy to so many but it wasn't for myself. So what you are about to read is not a fancy and correct how to stay off social media. I am simply writing so I will have an account from yesterday in order to gage how much I have grown down the road.

Social media and the Internet in general is a crutch for me. Its a temporary fix and distraction. I can easily admit that motherhood is at times very lonely. I do not admit as to what I do to fill the void. I waste time on my phone or computer to avoid the real issue. Right now the issue is feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I want to avoid this because I do not see a way out. There is no big change coming for my family that would make our situation any different any time soon.  What happened yesterday surprised me.

I began to feel as though I was fasting. I say this not to get praise for fasting. I believe this is God's way of showing me the benefits from fasting. As I began to feel the effects of the change I noticed so many emotions I hid down began to rise to the surface. Lets just say by 11 o'clock I was crying on the phone with my mom.
I feel inadequate and unable to handle things at all times. I know I know it seems silly but it is something I struggle with. It felt good to feel broken and cry out "I just can't handle this. I cant handle this toddler. This clingy baby. The sheer weight of the household on my shoulders"  It feels so good to admit that and know that no matter how broken I am inside, God still loves me. Jesus didn't call the perfect. He called the willing.  I feel so willing to live for God but haven't turned everything in my life over to Him. I'd like to tell you reader that living for him life gets easier but it doesn't. You don't stop struggling with sin once he's Lord of your life. You do however have him with you all the way. He will never leave or forsake you.

So once I was humbled I began to see God more clearly. I saw him telling me "I love you. I love you when you fall and when you pick yourself back up" I also received clarity on some ideas I've been pondering on how to share Jesus.  Below are two things that come to mind
1. begin a moms group with other moms wanting to share Jesus
2. Write down my testimony with more details.

This is part of my journey. What is right is different for you. Talk to God and you will get answers. In my case I just was too distracted to listen.